dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
