and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
