Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
