Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
