Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
is wine microwaveable?
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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