I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
