everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
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