I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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