I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
how do you play pong handcuffed?
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Randomize
