All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Randomize
