I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
He's a Shit stain on my heart
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Randomize
