White coat. Heels.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
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