Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
