cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Randomize