Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
