You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
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