i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
