Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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