i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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