I can feel you judging me through the phone.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
