God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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