so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
