She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
