Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
