I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize