i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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