it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
