I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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