Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
