I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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