she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
not ubering you a puppy
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize