i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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