if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
