I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
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