i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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