Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Randomize
