ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
last night I used snow as a chaser
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
