I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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