I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
