the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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