bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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