i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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