How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
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