just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
