too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Randomize
