You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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