Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Randomize
