I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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