My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
