Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
