No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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