I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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