Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
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