Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
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