Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Randomize