i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
