It's like God shit irony all over that family
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Randomize
