Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Randomize