in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
