The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize