hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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