I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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