he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
