I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
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