I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
