is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
