I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
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